I’m at the gym today because it’s getting warmer and I need to be skinny for spring/summer. Let’s get something straight really quick: I’m not fat. I’m actually more on the skinnier side. However, my self esteem sucks and I am a perfectionist! Basically, I never feel good enough!

Anyways, at the gym, I see my boyfriends ex hook-up girl (whatever, you know what I mean). Now, as a classy girl, I’ve never hooked up with anyone in my life. Therefore, I have a really hard time understanding hook-ups. So she’s perfect. Really tan, tight calves, gorgeous teeth, amazing hair, in a sorority, and always looks so darn cute. It’s really not fair, to be honest. I started my period and as soon as I see this girl on the elliptical, I lose it. I go bat crap crazy. All of a sudden I find myself on level 10 on the elliptical. The only thing I’m paying attention to is my calories burned and her calories burned, HOW UNHEALTHY IS THAT? So unhealthy right? Don’t try to play me. You all do it.

Listen, I’m not here to play God and I’m only writing this because it’s a struggle that I know many girls have. My younger sister reads this so trust me, I want to be a good example. She probably won’t like this but I hope this positively affects her in the future.

I take diet pills. It’s awful, I know. It can kill me, I know. I have a high heart rate and sever anxiety disorder. It’s probably the most unhealthy thing I can be doing.

I took one before the gym, I got my tail on the elliptical, noticed crazy pretty girl and went a little psycho. We were practically racing and eventually my cramps were so bad that I had to get off (I tried, she won). I left the gym and I was sobbing. Self esteem? What’s that? I texted my boyfriend and said “never mind, she’s perfect”.  

My parents divorced when I was 15. It was really hard on me and my sister. It still is, to be honest. It really ruined the way I see relationships but especially the way I see myself. It severely damaged my relationship with my father to the point where we didn’t talk for over a year and he lived a mile down the road. So as I’m running like crazy on the elliptical, I’m thinking this girl is perfect. She’s tan, her parents pay for everything. She’s in a sorority with tons of friends and a nice car. She always looks perfect and she knows what she’s doing with her life. It felt like that could’ve been me. If my parents would’ve worked it out, I would be pretty, in a sorority, with tons of friends and everything paid for. But instead I’m broke, with a crappy car, pale skin, bad hair, with hardly any friends.

As I’m losing my mind and crying in my car, I texted my best friend (the one with the eating disorder) because shockingly enough, she gives great self esteem advice. This was her response:

“The thing is that all of this is subjective. She’s gorgeous to you but maybe not to other people. She may even hate herself just as much. You never know what’s going on in someone’s family or whether she has problems with her most likely fake friends. There’s no guarantee that anything would have turned out differently or perfect based on decisions you didn’t make. You didn’t decide for your parents to divorce and you certainly didn’t cause it. It was out of your control but what you can control is your circumstances now, your actions and your own mindset.”

She’s right. Who was I to think this girl had zero problems? If anything I’ve learned that everyone has problems. No one is perfect, not even a perfectionist like me. What makes us even more perfect in God’s eyes is that we’ve fought our battles and fought them with God. If I turned to God every time I thought I was fat, I’d be so much holier than I am right now.

There’s no way we can always love ourselves, ladies. We are female and we are human! Thankfully, we can love who God has molded us into. Our lives are about glorifying him, not this darn world. We are beautiful whether you are 4’9” and 80 pounds or 6’8” and 200 pounds. You are an image of the Lord. He has placed struggles into your life to make you BEAUTIFUL.

My parents divorce was just another struggle in my life that I survived only due to God. He led me through and he held me up when I was giving up. If you are struggling with an eating disorder of some sorts or just a bad self image, please always remember that you are only defined by God. The prettiest girls are ones who seek to find God every second of their lives. They are happy with their lives, themselves and the life they lead through the Lord. Seek to be one of those girls and you will find your self esteem.

As for me being a perfectionist, I’m going to try with the Lord’s help to turn to him. I can have a good body but my body will never be perfect. However, I can be perfect in the eyes of the Lord and who else is a better judge of perfection than God himself?

Fight against your self esteem by yourself and  you will never win; fight with the Lord’s help and you will forever win!